Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
