Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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Breaking news:
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*eats only grass-fed donuts