Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”