Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.