Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Meow