Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up was a huge mistake

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”