[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Thrilling chase underway
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
There are no pants in heaven.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter