Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”