Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Math at Halloween.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess