Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.