Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
🤯🤯🤯
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.