Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
barbara was highly relatable
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Your secret is safeish with me
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
new career option?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.