Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Camel dough
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-