*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.