Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I think about this a lot
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
What’s the point buying it then?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Battery falling down a hole
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.