Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

I never know how much to tip a cow.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡