*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋