[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
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Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight![]()
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big