[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them