carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What