[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
October 31
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure