[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Breaking news:
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
How do you like your Corgi?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.