Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

Mornin

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs