Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike