cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
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My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Oh my God.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
respect
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
