Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet