Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You Might Also Like
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Oh thanks BBC.
