Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.