Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.