Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
This made me smile…
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background