Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice