Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’m a bad influence on myself.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on