Cartman: Respect my
a a
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.