Cartman: Respect my
a a
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl