Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?