*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
The first one, obviously
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.