Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Salad is the decaf of food.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans