Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”