Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

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