Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I get distracted pretty eas
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.