Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
liiiiiiiiike
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I came this close!!!!
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.