Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!