Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

We made a comic about a space heater.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.