Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
go easy on yourself <3
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.