Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.