*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Help Wanted
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The absolute effort that went into this omg