Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
