Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Scream sneezers need love too.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

If only

the short answer to this question

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?