Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.