carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
You Might Also Like
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Chicken bread
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive