Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids