carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Did…did a minotaur write this
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.