Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

*serious situation*

My brain:

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile