Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.