Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
