4yo: What happened to the fish?
Me: It drowned.
4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
You Might Also Like
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.
Me: Do you have any towels in your room?
My son watching tv: No.
Me: I SWEAR TO JESUS IF I FIND ONE TOWEL IN THAT BLACK HOLE OF A ROOM, I’LL NAIL EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU OWN TO THE TREE OUT FRONT.
My son: Hang on
i am practicing how to die in photogenic positions
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.