@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

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@One_FineMess

4yo: What happened to the fish?

Me: It drowned.

4yo: …

Me: …

4yo: …

Me: …

4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.

@ThugRaccoons

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

@momTruthBomb

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

@Stellacopter

Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: Do you have any towels in your room?

My son watching tv: No.

Me: I SWEAR TO JESUS IF I FIND ONE TOWEL IN THAT BLACK HOLE OF A ROOM, I’LL NAIL EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU OWN TO THE TREE OUT FRONT.

My son: Hang on

@Awesome_Todd

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

@ThaJawn

*downloads Pinterest

*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest

*uninstalls

@citizenkawala

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

@AndyAsAdjective

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.