CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.