Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

I like long walks away from everyone

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe