Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!