Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza