cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
you’re so productive for your wage
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it