Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

When I face a minor setback

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Unimpressed