Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!