Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
