Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
This January has 47 Mondays
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.