Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead